“Are you really going to forget about me?” Miss Sarahtonin likes to ask me frequently. “No! I’m just really busy, you know this” I lie.
Coming out of lockdown back into what is now our new normal I’ve been neglecting my blog. I can now officially say I’m a blogger because I’ve started a blog post talking about how I didn’t stay on top of my blog posts. I feel privileged to sit among some of the great flaky bloggers. I need to remember I’m doing this purely for myself and the 3 people I let read my posts (hi mum, love you). If I forget this, then this is purely performative, for the acceptance and validations of others— and Miss Sarahtonin would not be happy about that.
Even if I haven’t been writing posts about her, I’ve been thinking about Miss Sarahtonin a lot. She’s been escaping the word document and I find her inserting herself into my every day life. Which surprisingly has been welcomed. I usually find comfort in sadness and despair as it wraps itself around me like a hand me down blanket, exuding the scent of an old friend. The smell has recently been kinda funky. I’ve had to light candles to cover it. Miss Sarahtonin likes candles, she thinks it corrects the negative vibe that can come over me. I hate to admit it, but she does have the right idea. My room is now over populated by candles, and I love it.
I find Miss Sarahtonin catching me being mean to myself. She tells me off (rich coming from someone scolding me about scolding myself) and makes me check myself. At the end of the day, what good am I doing by tearing myself down? In this constant internal battle with myself Miss Sarahtonin is the referee. Im not going to lie she is calling constant time outs. But it’s her job. She’s stopping me from losing an unfair fight against my thoughts, because they have some dirty tricks up their sleeves.
What I’m trying to say is Miss Sarahtonin is like my big sister, a brutally honest and loving friend. Someone who wants only the best for me and will fight to the death for me. The girl pushing me to do better, not for any one else but me. I feel like Miss Sarahtonin and I are destined to be friends. Of course it’s going to be a long process, we need to get to know each other first. However, I am super excited to see what she can bring in to my life.
Lots of Love, Sarah(notonin)
Soon to be Miss Sarahtonin xx