I fell out with Miss Sarahtonin. I pushed her away, and called her a liar and a fake. I didn’t want to have her in my life, I didn’t think it was necessary. I thought I would be fine without her. So, I decided to continue on without her. I found it harder to get out of bed, I lost motivation, all I wanted to do was to do nothing at all. My mood began to shift, I was crying a lot more, losing interest in what held it before. When I found myself falling into these patterns before, I heard Miss Sarahtonin whisper to me, “This is a moment not a lifetime”. Without her, it felt like a lifetime. The moment never seemed to end, in fact in gathered momentum. Days turned into weeks, tears turned into sobs, and I turned into what I thought was myself.
For years, I’ve allowed myself to find comfort in sadness, to associate the feeling of nothingness and despair with who I truly was. People say you put on masks or a performance when you are around other people and you are yourself when you’re on your own. I’ve felt the mask and I’ve felt it slipping during some of the bad days. I’ve felt like I was wearing a mask when I was on my own at times. I joke that I’m in a state of constant identity crisis. It’s a joke that has some truth to it. I rely on what other people think of me to generate who I am, because I’m scared to confront myself. I don’t know who it is I’ve spent 23 years with in my head, because so many thoughts tell me I’m not who I think I am. The only way these intrusive thoughts die down is when I sit in my sadness and this means my thoughts have won. “Yes, well done you’ve broken me down, same time next week?”
Thoughts are only this strong due to the power we give them. Because does anyone actually know what a thought is? (I’m sure many biologists and neuroscientists have a lot to say on this, but I am but a simple lay woman) To me, (again, not a scientist, do not quote me, do not try and sue me, I do not have the funds to go to court) thoughts are just tiny lil buzzes in our brain that do not stop. Like never. I feel like my brain vibrates at times, or I can locate where the buzzing is coming from if I really focus. So how can these lil tiny buzzes dictate our entire lifetime?
Now Miss Sarahtonin has a lot to say on this, so I’m going to give her the reigns for the next bit, as a way of apologising for turning my back on her. I didn’t want to accept the fact that maybe she was right and I was wrong.
Hello it is I, Miss Sarahtonin. I hope you missed me, because I would miss me too. Let’s get started on thoughts. Thoughts are NOTHING unless you want them to be something else. Thoughts result in feelings, actions and behaviours, they are subconscious and don’t take shape into something else unless we give them the power too. Let’s make it about food because I love to eat and cook. Let’s say 1 thought is 1 grain of rice. A normal portion of rice contains thousands of grains (unless I’m eating significantly large portions) and therefore a normal day contains thousands of thoughts. Rice remains uncooked until we decided to cook it, it remains unseasoned until we decide to add some flavour and it remains the same unless we decide to change it. The same bag of rice can be cooked to make rice and beans a lá I’m a celebrity get me out of here, or it can be turned into curries, risotto, stir fries. It becomes the finished product because of what we decided to pair it with and what actions and feelings we paid attention to. Sarah decided with her rice she was going to eat rice and beans everyday because she didn’t have the energy or effort to change it up. Now it’s okay to find comfort in what you’re used to, but you will get sick of it and I will tell you to change it because what’s fun and exciting about that? If I gave you a portion of rice and said you have to make this last because that’s all we have left, I know you will try and crack out some spices. So if I tell you, you only have a certain amount of thoughts, I know you won’t think about the worst possible scenario because why waste a grain of rice to create something you won’t like the taste of and won’t eat and therefore it won’t fill you up? Now everyone sing it with me:
THOUGHTS ARE WHAT WE MAKE THEM
THOUGHTS ARE ATTENTION WHORES
THOUGHTS WILL DO ANYTHING TO SCORE
THOUGHTS CAN BE VERY CONVINCING
BUT WE CAN SHOW THEM THE DOOR
I hope you enjoyed my limerick that is trademarked by me and I own the rights to that song so if anyone would like to buy it off me I take cash, PayPal, and packets of rice.
So basically she’s trying to say I can change my thoughts, and I know its not going to be easy. But knowing that it’s a possibility gives me some hope.
Lots of Love,
Sarah (Soon to be Miss Sarahtonin)
xxx
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