Loving when you feel Unlovable

Everyone wants to be loved. Love is the dominant narrative in our short time on this earth. We all hope for a great love, people pay for love, sacrifice for love and hate for love. To love and to be loved are two concepts in this world, both as scary as each other. We all know the story of the unrequited love, to love and not to be loved back (Miss Sarahtonin here— would just like to add that the love between Sarah and I feels somewhat unrequited, I just want the best for her and she pretends I don’t exist). The idea however of loving and not being able to accept love back intrigues me. The reason it intrigues me, is because I can feel myself relating to it. 

I have a lot of love to give out, I constantly shower those around me with love, I always have. I have a special place in my heart for making those dearest to me feel valued and appreciated. It probably stems from a place of wanting that for myself. Here is where it gets interesting— when that energy is reciprocated back to myself, it is as if my body is rejecting an organ that I so desperately need. I get an instant overwhelming notion that the love doesn’t belong to me, and I don’t deserve it. Do you see the issue here? Miss Sarahtonin has tried to point it out to me but I wasn’t seeing it clearly, lucky for her I got a new set of prescription glasses and they have seemed to help (They also make me look really good incase you were wondering). If I get told or shown I am loved, my immediate reaction is elation, I feel so happy it’s almost like a high. What happens after a high? The descent. The descent hits harder and faster and I respond with a physical reaction. I feel sick, my chest and neck tighten, I can feel my heart beat in so many different places in my body, all because someone told me they loved me or cared for me? For a long time I thought this was a regular reaction, the reality check that keeps us all cautious and careful. As it turns out, I just worry too much and overthink. (Who’d have thought?) (I literally tell you that you do this every time, you just choose to ignore it)

I have conditioned myself so intensely to the idea that these words and nice things shouldn’t be said to me because I don’t deserve them. I find evidence to support negative thoughts, evidence that doesn’t even exist outside of my head. It’s a never-ending cycle. When I feel like this, I crave reassurance and validation, yet when I get it I refuse to believe it. It makes loving hard for me, I’m in a constant state of worrying what is going to go wrong next, or if I say something how will this ruin everything. It can be demanding, and hard to put up with, and I appreciate every single person that perseveres with me through it. 

I have previously just passed this off as me being unlovable, however I justify the friends I have by saying I am likeable and I try to make this a clear differentiation in my head. I’ve started to wise up (I won’t take all the credit for this, but this was all my doing just saying). I’ve been trying to catch myself thinking of negative situations and thoughts or what ifs and trying to pass these thoughts off as exactly what they are— thoughts!

It honestly sounds easier said that done, and I am still working on it, and trust me it is hard work. I have found someone I love a lot and I’m not going to let my silly made up thoughts and what ifs step in and interfere. If I did that, I may as well let any fictional story I read have as much swing in my feelings and how I live my day to day life. Love during lockdown isn’t easy, it’s harder than ever. Not being together is not ideal, especially when I have so much free time, and my negative thoughts just see my brain as free ad space. Well, I’m going to have to start charging them rent. If I were a newspaper editor I wouldn’t publish false ads that are misleading, so why do I publish them in my brain? As editor-in-chief I will here forth publish only ads which are true and not my inner saboteur. 

I know this may sound cliché but I do feel a lot better putting these words on a document. I haven’t been able to coherently describe what’s going on in that over worked lil brain of mine and it feels like the sun is peaking through the dark clouds a little. Thoughts aren’t all bad, we wouldn’t have anything in this world of ours without thoughts and people taking action on them. So this is not about getting rid of the thoughts altogether but reframing them into something that we can work with. What ifs aren’t the worst thing in the world, they are the origin of hope and ambition when applied correctly.

What if it actually does work out (Anon, 2021—to you not to me hehe, this is a direct quote from a wonderful soul I have the pleasure of knowing). 

I’m going now to tell Miss Sarahtonin I love her because she really wants the best for me and no matter how much I convince myself otherwise I deserve it. 

Lots of Love,

Sarah (Soon to be Miss Sarahtonin)

xxx