Breaking down makes you whole.
Well that’s what Miss Sarahtonin tells me, trying to reassure me that when I feel bad, bad things do not define my life. Things happen in life that seem like they have no rhyme nor reason to. Family members get sick, relationships fail, finances become overwhelming. A lot of things that happen to us — scratch that — the majority of things that happen in our life are out of our control. Now this is me saying this through sheer observation and not as a behaviour expert, but humans don’t like it when they are not in control. The feeling of powerlessness in a situation causes people to react in ways they didn’t expect. It’s hard to accept not having control over situations because we live our lives through our own thoughts and perspectives on the world. We expect situations to turn out how we thought they would, whether this outcome is good or bad (hey anxiety we’re talking to you). It’s hard to process an outcome that is different to what we thought it was going to be, because it’s just that —its different. Different is not always bad, but it can be uncomfortable and very messy. That’s why those Instagram quotes tell us to sit in discomfort. We automatically assign feelings of failure, uncertainty and anxiety to discomfort. It’s time to reclaim all our negative emotions. Now we’re not out here to tell you to turn everything into a positive because that is tiring and can make things worse at times. Toxic positivity is a thing we all fall victim to. When I know that I’m having negative emotions a lil whisper comes through to me “accept your negative emotions, they’re not out to get you. I promise”. I hate to admit it she’s right. At this point when am I not? Our negative emotions are actually good for us. They make us human, they help us accept life. It’s so beautiful to have loved so hard that it’s left you so hurt when it’s over. It’s a method of survival when we worry or fear certain things —our body is pushing our brain to keep living. Trust your gut, because it looks out for no one else but you. My friend said this to me and something clicked. Our emotions are triggered by life, a life we are lucky to lead. Our body is reacting to our environment because it doesn’t want us to give up, and it can be hard to separate this and see it for what it is when you’re too deep in your own head.
We digest information easier when it’s broken down, we can separate and understand each part better. Thats how Miss Sarahtonin has taught me to look at ‘break downs’. Now I’m not going to lie, I say I’m having a break down every second day because I’m the TINIEST bit dramatic. You don’t even need me to interject and tell you that is a lie, we all know this gal leans heavy on the melodramatics. What I was trying to say before I was so rudely interrupted, is that when we feel like things are falling apart and we don’t feel like ourselves or feel whole because we are mid breakdown, that’s ok. It is okay to not feel yourself or to feel whole, however I will tell you that is a lie. There is nothing on this earth to say that we are not who we are, or our truest selves, when we are having negative emotions. Let’s get rid of this idea that we can only put across the suitable parts of who we are to keep other people comfortable. Yeah fuck that….. Thank you for that valuable input Sarah.
Yes I am kind, caring, funny, easy going and happy but I am also sad, scared, vulnerable, uptight and stressed. To name a few. I am not a singular adjective, sometimes I get so caught up in the idea that I HAVE to be the funny one or the strong one or carefree. I do not need to be defined or have a label to have a life. I can exist as a paradox, I continually change and will continue to do so. Look at this blog for example, I have gone so long in my life separating my sadness from my happiness that I felt the need to create an entire identity to feel comfortable talking about it. But she wouldn’t change me for the world. This is true, because I am coming to terms with the fact that Miss Sarahtonin is not someone I am trying to find or trying to be, but she is a part of me, and a damn good part at that.
I am continually learning what I like, who I like and who I want to be. I do not have all the answers. I make mistakes. I am not my emotions. I am not my thoughts. I am a person trying their best, but most importantly I am whole.
Lots of love,
Sarah (Soon to be Miss Sarahtonin) xxx