I’m a people pleaser. I will try and accommodate other people to try make my life easier. I make myself feel uncomfortable to make others comfortable.
The past few years I’ve learned people pleasing isn’t a good thing. It’s not good for me and it’s actually not good for other people. We are trying to focus on yourself here Sarah, please don’t get distracted and worry about other people again. —Okay this is a fair point. I attempt to analyse myself and dissect my behaviour which inevitably leads me to try and understand and justify the behaviours of others. We will come back to this at a later date. Anyway, people pleasing, yeah not a good idea. How did I ever think compromising my own boundaries was a good idea? Well I’ll tell you why, I never considered having boundaries. I didn’t see myself worthy of having boundaries. I’ve struggled with basing my self worth and self esteem on the opinions and validation of others, and how can I get this validation? You guessed it! I attempted to do this by being a people pleaser. I used to go on dates and care too much about if the other person enjoyed themselves or if they liked me. I forgot that I had a say in if I enjoyed it or if I liked the other person. I confused attention and affection, sometimes I still do. I had, at one point, such a low opinion of myself that the only way I felt good was if someone complimented me but they had to be a stranger for it to hold any weight. In retrospect, it’s makes no sense and I wasted so much time worrying about other peoples opinions. I couldn’t face people seeing the ‘real’ me. I created a version of myself that I thought would be most likeable, most approachable, most anything that made other people like me. It was an issue. You cannot tell me that this girl is attempting to say WAS. As in past tense. As in no longer an issue. IT STILL IS AN ISSUE. — omg okay sometimes.. okay a lot of the time, I still try and control how other people see me. I talk a lot but never really say anything of value, I overspill to an extent and carefully keep details to myself. I make minor things dramatic to play off the bigger issues. I read something the other day that I can’t stop thinking about. “People pleasing is a form of manipulation”. When I read this I had my normal reaction, had a breakdown, which lead to an extensional crisis, which resulted in me floating in the ocean trying to get swept away at sea to avoid dealing with it. Can I just confirm that last sentence was highly exaggerated, she was swimming and let herself float for max 2 mins -she did not almost get lost at sea.
I had this discussion with my mammy about people pleasing. She disagreed, she said if she could do something to make someone happy she would. I agree, I would do the same, but I don’t mean this when I’m referring to people pleasing. To me people pleasing is best described as above, making others comfortable by making yourself uncomfortable. So I can see how this is manipulation. It is a dishonest way of interacting. It is me trying to control someone else’s perception of me by doing what I think will please them. I’ve done it way too many times and I have yet to get any real benefit from it. I am living MY life for other people. Why have I not realised this sooner? From here forth I pledge to: Live my life, for me. Because why the fuck not. I’m tired. I’m fed up and I’m drained doing things because it’s what I think I need to do. So that’s why I’ve decided to start doing LIFTS. Naw, not a taxi service or weights, but LIFTS:
We’re all just chilling on a floating rock anyways, may as well have fun while doing it.
Lots of Love,
Sarah (soon to be Miss Sarahtonin)