Me, My Self Sabotage and I

If you asked any of my friends if I make good decisions, I’d be surprised to find any of them saying I did with a straight face. Not even one of them would attempt to hesitate as if they were thinking about it. When I tell my friends I did something, I’m usually met with a chorus of ‘why would you do that to yourself’ or ‘why would you put yourself through that’. I always exclaim ‘I don’t! These things just happen to me!’ I mean I’m not wrong. Things that happen to me don’t happen to a majority of people, because the majority of people don’t let them happen.

I keep finding myself in situations which make me come off the worst, in situations that I’m going to end up hurt. I truly believed I had no role to play in how this kept happening. I thought I kept getting hurt because I deserved to, that it was some form of karmic relationship I was experiencing. That was until I did the maths and discovered the lowest common denominator was in fact me. There was no part of me actively seeking ways in which I could get hurt, but there was an even bigger part of me that didn’t stop it from happening either. 

No matter what situation, I’ve always had the privilege of being able to walk away, yet I never did. I’ve had the choice to stop myself from getting hurt and hurting others in the process. I’ve had the opportunity to stop it before it starts and guess what I didn’t do that either. I acted as a passive being in everyone else’s life because I thought I didn’t have the value to live my own. It’s like I subconsciously seek out ways to prove that I’m a bad person or that I’m not good enough. When I find myself in a situation that will hurt me — perfect, there’s my evidence that I’m a bad person, because stuff like that doesn’t happen to good people. 

This is not something I sat down one day and decided to do. This is years of trained behaviour engrained in me, all because my self-esteem hasn’t been at a healthy level. The brain is a wonderful thing, so many possibilities originate from it, but the brain can also be a horrible thing. At times, it feels like it’s all we have. It’s our best friend and our worst enemy. My brain has come up with so many wonderful solutions to problems I’ve encountered, or been a great source of enjoyment —yet the same brain is the one telling me I’m not good enough to complete the solution, or not deserving enough for enjoyment. I am lucky enough to be aware of my thoughts and behaviours, and once I’ve started becoming aware of them, I’ve been trying to understand them. 

Enter Miss Sarahtonin

Hiiiya, four paragraphs is too long for me to not have any input. It’s like Sarah loves the sound of her own voice (or internal monologue in this case). Sarah and I have been doing a lot of unlearning recently. Trying to change how she thinks about her feelings and thoughts, to be able process and change them. And what’s the first rule of unlearning? Understanding what we have already learned. Look, I’m going to level with you, that’s probably not the first rule, there’s probably about 12 rules I skipped before that one but we do not have time for that, we have only a short time on this floating rock. Anyway, I’ve been a lil sneaky, I’ve been making Sarah think about past experiences she’s gone through and feel the feelings that still linger. This is all to help her understand why she feels this way and how to deal with it going forward (except the experiences that just embarrass her all over again —these are just for my enjoyment). Any way what I’m getting at is, being aware of why we behave a certain way is how we can take ownership of how we feel and react to external circumstances. It’s a great way to start a challenging our thoughts and existing belief systems. Let us be the ones who break the cycle of hurt we inflict on ourselves and others, because honestly life has enough suffering without trying to make ourselves suffer any more. 

I’m going to leave you with a lil piece of advice if you decide to start looking at how you or others behave.

Explaining behaviour does not excuse it. 

Just because you know why you react a certain way, it doesn’t give you permission to do it without consequence. And the same goes for other people, just because you can explain their behaviour does not excuse it. EVER. 

Lots of Love,

Sarah (Soon to be Miss Sarahtonin)


Published by searchingformisssarahtonin

I am a 23 year old student who has managed depression and anxiety throughout my life. I like to tell stories, ramble, and create content for others. What better way to combine these interests?

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