“It’s starting to get bad again. Words I hoped I wouldn’t ever have to write. I don’t want to be sad forever. It’s hard. I know there are a lot of people suffering in the world and the fact that so many of them are in a battle with their own mind is so scary. It’s a scary place for a battle. It’s lonely, with a screaming silence that you can’t escape. It’s like the whole world is against you, because your whole word is in your head. A part that really scares me is that no one else can hear it, and that I’m so aware of every single plot against me. Because I’m the one making the plots and plans.” I wrote that when I couldn’t make sense of how I felt. I find it hard to vocalise how I feel as I just get overwhelmed with emotion. I do think that writing this blog has allowed me to understand all parts of myself I didn’t know existed. It’s allowing me to be vulnerable —something that makes me uncomfortable. But just because something is different, doesn’t mean that its bad.
I would never dream of saying the things I say to myself to another human. I would fight someone if I heard them say anything remotely like it. Then why do I allow myself to throw these punches?I’ve noticed a change in my behaviour recently. That was my first warning sign. All the work i’ve done to value myself and give myself a fighting chance feels like it has been for nothing. But no matter what I feel, I know my healing is something. Each time I feel like I dip there is less of a distance that needs to be climbed to rise. Every time I dip I know I’ve been there before. And I’ve gotten out every single time.
The first time it’s scary because you’ve never been there before, you don’t know how much you have to scream, shout, cry and climb to get out. But you get out. The next time you fall, you panic at first with the initial shock, but then you realise where you are, you recognise how to get out, and you even start to understand the path you may have taken to lead you there. Every time you fall, it’s an initial shock and its sore and ugly and messy. The hole doesn’t seem as scary when you’ve prepared to get out of it.
Sometimes I’ve fallen in to the hole and known how to get out, yet I don’t. Instead, I’ve wanted to turn the hole into a well with all my tears. But I’ll tell you what, as much as you think the tears are never going to stop -they do. Your body wouldn’t let you drown. It may seem as though your mind does, but we’re built to survive.
When I see myself approaching these dips, I do what I can to push others away because I don’t want them to fall down with me. I think that by doing it alone I’m saving others from pain. When I push them away and fall it only makes things worse. They worry more because they can’t see me. (Cause I’ve fallen down a fucking hole) If I didn’t push people away, they would be there to help me out. Okay, knowing my friends they would probably take a few pictures of me down the hole because honestly who falls down a hole these days. But once that’s done, every single hand will reach for me and pull me right up.
I always think about why I push people away when I feel like this. Especially when I know they only want to help and support me. It leads me back to a phrase I read, “Every relationship you have is a relationship with yourself”. So in the moments when I feel the worst, my relationship with myself is so strained that I project this on to all other relationships in my life. How can you feel worthy of love when you don’t feel worthy enough to give it to yourself. How can you want the care and protection of others when you don’t even protect yourself, or at least put on some armour.
I’ve got a secret. I overthink. Sarah, please you cannot pretend like you overthinking is the worlds best kept secret. You can’t make a basic decision without coming up with 37 potential outcomes. OKAY, thank you for that. Fine, maybe it’s not a secret, I over think and I’m extremely self-aware to a fault. It’s honestly so annoying just chill out. Can I just say, if I wasn’t so self-aware you would not have had the chance to have a voice on this blog Miss Sarahtonin…. Sorry -as you were saying…
I overthink, I think this will prepare me for anything that could hurt me. So I do things that do hurt me and then use that as evidence as to why I’m not good enough. Because I think ‘bad things only happen to bad people’ and I honestly set myself up to fail every single time. It’s a hard line to walk. To be honest, I’m so sick of it. Why do I continually torture myself when there is so much more to the world than what’s just in my head. If I had the answer to this, I would not be writing this blog but instead actually out living my life. So it’s a work in progress. We’re all work in progresses at the end of the day. Imagine how boring life would be if everyone was perfect. Yes we have to do what we can to give ourselves a chance, but we also need to give ourselves a break. What’s the actual point if we don’t? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, we’re all on a floating rock in the sky, nothing really matters.
Life is tough, but so am I.
Lots of Love,
Sarah (Soon to be Miss Sarahtonin)