I have been thinking a lot recently about purpose. No, not the 2015 Justin Bieber album. The act of doing things with purpose, or finding my purpose in this life.
When I say I think, I mean it. It’s all I can think about, I’m questioning everything that has led me to this point. I feel like I can’t get past this giant bolded word in the middle of the road to my future.
PURPOSE
“I just want to find my purpose” I say. I think if I find my purpose everything else will follow. I treat it as this singular thing that when I have it the letters will crumble and the road behind it will lead me to everything I’ve ever wanted.
Why do I really put so much weight into this idea? Is it because I think it is the missing jigsaw piece to figuring out my brain. When that last piece clicks together am I going to shout out, “I’ve conceputalised all my feelings and logically understood life experiences and found my purpose!”. No, because I have never once finished a task in my life. Although there was this one time when I was in isolation because I had Covid and I did one of those gem pictures for kids. Where you stick loads of gems to a unicorn. SARAH. Oop, sorry, yes, so purpose.
It already doesn’t look like a word any more. Purpose. It is literally seven letters by which I measure my healing, my output, my enjoyment and unfortunately my worth.
Ding Ding Ding! We have a winner. We have finally got Sarah to realise how much of what she perceives of her life and her impact in this world links to how she feels about herself. Not feeling worthy is something Sarah has talked about before and each blog post she quite impressively manages to reinvent how she wants to discuss this feeling of unworthiness.
Aw thank you (me?)!
I think what Sarah has to realise is that feeling unworthy is not an uncommon thing. That is not to say it is not a valid feeling, it seems to be linked to society and expectation. To have a fulfilling life people are told to find their purpose, what they’re put on this earth for. To which I agree to an extent however if there are blockers in the way, such as never feeling good enough, or bouts of anxiety and depression it can be hard to perceive yourself as having a purpose. Because to Sarah, having a purpose means more than just keeping herself happy, she wants to keep everyone around her happy. She wants to bring good into the world. She wants to make a change. She wants to put everything else before herself.
I’m going to say something that she isn’t going to like the sound of. But this is what she gets when I’m summoned.
She wants to find a purpose that avoids having to deal with herself.
Right okay I think you’re trying to expose me too much here.
Although I will say, Miss Sarahtonin allows vulnerability to seep through. She removes the smoke screens I so often use to deflect. I generally say how I feel but I only open the door wide enough to allow it to be closed quickly. I equate purpose with worth and with feeling good enough and those are the same methods I use to talk myself down. It’s like I’m constantly holding myself hostage in my own head. (Look I don’t know the logistics of how that works either but roll with it) I have created such intrinsic thought patterns and processes there is never a clear line of thought.
You’ve probably noticed this if you’ve read a single one of these blogs lets be honest
Thanks. But I guess she’s (I’m?) right. These blogs never end how they start. There is never an end in sight. But I still enjoy them. Maybe I should start looking at life that way. I am so focused on this end goal of the future with the big fat plot of PURPOSE in the middle that I’m never actually letting it begin.
So in the words of the great Black Eyed Peas, “Lets Get it Started, HEYUH”
Also before I forget, we’re all on a floating rock in the sky, nothing really fucking matters.
Lots of Love,
Sarah (Soon to be Miss Sarahtonin)
xxx
Searching for Miss Sarahtonin 